I have been very fascinated with this notion that every day I wake up is a complete and total blank slate. This is primarily because it looks the same every single day. Perfectly blue skies, no clouds, sun beating down. It is like heaven for me, wrapped up and rolled out every single day for me to hold onto.

Today was the first day I have woken up to clouds in I don’t even know how long. A long time…here, in the city anyways. When I have been up above Blackhawk or in Buena Vista the weather isn’t quite so plateaued…but all in all it is a fantastic thing. By the time I got back from my morning coffee walk, the clouds had separated and I was a little nervous as I didn’t plaster my body with spf 120 for the first time in a while. But because I was wearing my hideous MBT shoes, I tend to move a lot faster than I would doing regular walking. This is because once you get the hang of it, the stride is a smoother one, with a little bounce at the end.

I credit this and a mostly vegan (not all vegan, mind you, I said MOSTLY) diet I have adopted for the fact that my pants are all once again falling off my ass. I went into Nordstrom the other day to try and find jean shorts since it appeared they were on sale. The normal 29/30’s I used to wear all fell off my ass. So I tried 28. Too big. Then I decided if I was shrinking there was no way I was going to pay for jean shorts, might as well get the jeans. At the time I was wearing Junior size 7’s, my tiniest jeans, and that is what I decided to invest in…27’s–which are almost too big, but the 26’s looked like they were painted on. Almost. I am pretty sure I cannot afford to get a whole new wardrobe AGAIN. Not too long ago I was maybe a size 10/12–and the stuff I wear now would never ever fit on that girl now given I am more of a 4/6. And I wasn’t fat, mind you (lots of room to spread across this body), but I did have more ass and chest than I currently sport, which is basically an ode to a 12 year old boy…well, yea, it’s true. Oh well, take it or leave it.

Speaking of walking, I have largely rejected the bus or bike if it’s a mile or less away. 2 miles gets the bike. Longer than 2 miles might see that as well. Too much traffic? Bus, all the way. It’s my high five to city life…I wonder how many people drive their cars for mundane little trips like that, basically for what amounts to around the corner. And don’t use those excuses that you have to carry heavy things so you can’t do it. This is how I go to the grocery store, back loaded with tote bags, hauling them back to my place. Then again I currently go to the grocery store 2 times a week or so…tomatoes are delicious little things and so good for you, and I eat those suckers and mushrooms almost every single day. And with the amount of this stuff I eat, it’s hard not to find reason to return and restock on my sweet inventory.

I was struck with a kind of bizarre idea last night after I was messaged by a girl from that site I am on. And maybe I am going about this all the wrong way. Maybe you guys just aren’t really capable of handling me at all. Maybe I need to go back to girls–this was further cemented this morning as I must have been sending off the maybe I want girl vibes when I was out–my morning lass was a bit more gregarious in greeting me today, which I am pretty sure she has never really done quite the same way. My problem is I would never be looking to replace my masculine affinities with a girl–so I would want a pretty little thing. And I am sure my experiments with the ladies would have gone a bit smoother and better if that pretty could be found.

But who am I kidding? I haven’t ended up with a girl in a long-term sense because there is a certain element of protectiveness that is not there with the girls that I have been involved with–the emotional and physical sense that has always burrowed holes in my idea of partnership. Hell, I am stronger than most of the guys I have been with–and no, I am not talking emotionally, but physically. And if you are actually stronger than the one with testosterone running through their veins? Well, that’s kind of weird.

Eh, there is that whole math of 1 in a million. If I was going to just settle and deal with any dude, I would have done that. I would be one of those miserable women carting around a baby on each hip, talking all valley girl with her little mommy friends, probably secretly wanting to off myself or run away if the opportunity presented itself.

Instead I am out here flailing trying to make something of myself. Trying to get paid for this little writing thing I do somehow. If I got a decent advance for my memoir…oh wow, that would be it. Speaking of which my get off the internet alarm is about to go off…time to start again.