One thing is for sure, when you spend as much time alone as I do, you tend to recognize things through the processes of over-thinking.

Over-thinking to the point of decimation, over-stressing to the point of frustration.

Here are a few random thoughts that have been running through my head lately, however, for those of you so inclined to read.

1) Republicans are repugnant creatures set on thwarting anyone with less money than them or ideals different than their own to sink into a pit of despair, without money and without equality. I spent the other day writing a giant diatribe of why I hate them called, “why you Republicans can pretty much kiss it.” I am so incredibly disgusted with this anti-human anti-community every man for himself attitude that they have that I really cannot even understand how you can vote along paranoid party lines simply because they are the party for the Christians and religious right. Social structures have changed, wake the fuck up–we call that evolution! The good old days can never happen again with your greedy mitts in various cookie jars, so you can kiss that fantasy goodbye.

Those of you who want to hoard your money, who actually have money I can almost empathize with, er, kind of–I mean I get why you want to keep it all–you were raised in a culture dependent on out-winning your neighbors and friends, out-dressing them, out-earning them, basically outdoing them. This is the definitive shit aspect of our culture that makes me sick and also makes me recognize that none of you guys are going to get up and fight anyone for equality with those little fancy consumer games you play to distract yourselves, taking out loans to faux prop yourselves to the top, wearing dumb expensive clothing to mask the debt pile you really are.

There are a few interesting solutions to this issue. Number 1, all politicians should be REQUIRED by law to take prerequisite classes. Economics would be a good start, and maybe a special class on Roman History might prove useful. You might also want to try and play the part at least of the average American. 2) Give up your health care and live like the majority of Americans do. If you have cancer already, so what? Suffer like us. Let them take your property, your assets, your kid’s college fund…suck it up and pretend you are like a regular American and not some rich lobbyist, with your bank account plumped up in favor of certain votes.

The real solution might end up being watch it all fall to shit. I would so love for the tables to get turned on you paper pushing thieves. Would you know how to survive when the shit really hits the fan without google and money and shopping? Our money has been headed to the realm of faux-monopoly money for so long now that finally the world is coming around to see we are really just full of it. But if lord money was removed from the equation, all of those rich people who had their minions doing real work would suffer and starve because they don’t have the good sense to know how to take care of themselves without all of this prop-reality. Can you survive? Have you ever done without? Can you build, can you cook, can you grow your own food. Can you use your brains without resorting to violence? Can you do anything without google? Can you read, I mean really read an entire book? Can you find the answer without your quick reference tools? What happens when your money is really just paper. Who is going to do your dirty work for something you can only burn for fuel anyways? Not me, man. You guys can be my slaves for once–I can teach you a thing or twelve about survival…but it’s not going to be free. Barter babies, that’s what we will be.

I doubt most of them would survive, which is fine, they are a waste of resources. And those turds have also raised a generation of even lazier oxygen suckers, who do nothing without technology, who wouldn’t understand how to live without the instant gratification of easy answers funneled to them, who don’t even know what hard work really is. Ok, enough of that–I might someday remove my Republican rant from my private drafts folder, but right now I am trying to ignore the bully monster in the corner.

2) Denver, I don’t even think you really like me, but I still love you, psychotically. Like a wife that has been beaten, I’d guess, I keep coming back for more. I know you don’t mean it. I know it’s not your fault your borders are swelling with morons who don’t get it. I know you didn’t mean to hurt me. But you did. And you kind of suck for that.

On that note, online meandering has taken a turn for the…fucking boring, for lack of a better term. I have my site posted up, and yeah, you’d guess that with that comes the permeating silence for the most part. I have an extra respect for anyone who actually has the balls to write me after seeing what I have been through. But, I am not a fucking monster. And though I clearly have my own shit to deal with, I am a lot more even-tempered and level than most people assume on first glance. I at least know myself. I am not full of shit.

3) You know I had to have a 3 with three being my favorite number. 3 is the most important thought I have had lately.

So you know how I banned myself from the internet the other day for a number of hours. I now have an alarm set on my phone at 10 am and it goes off, and says “internet off!” It rings again at either 6 or 8 depending on the day to signal it’s kosher again.

I realize the major impediment to my own forward movement is myself. You walk around with a literal bomb about to go off in your chest for 16 years and tell me you wouldn’t want to live life according to your terms? I refuse to do anything I don’t want to do. I literally answer to nobody. If I fuck up I walk around berating myself out loud sometimes since the silence is so deafening. But living according to this you are gonna be dead tomorrow principle has done literally nothing for me. I have zero consequences in my daily life because everything is just taken care of. If I don’t want to do the dishes, fuck it, I won’t do them. If I want to play tornado in my apartment and leave shit everywhere, well, that’s my prerogative too. If I don’t want to leave the house, well, who’s gonna make me?

Nobody. And without friends. And without consequence, there is little reward.

So given I now live in a state of perpetual do whatever I want, I realize I need to interject the work/reward model back into my life. I wrote a few thousand words the other day. I cleaned my apartment to be spotless. I refused to let myself fuck around or read a book unless these things were done. I am treating myself like a 10 year old again…”oh, you want this, you NEED to get this done.”

This is probably mundane and boring for you to even conceive of–or maybe you are just sitting there with a who the fuck does this chick thinks she is idea running through your head. And who the fuck am I that nothing I do affects anybody in any way, shape or form?

I am fucking invisible. And if my friends hadn’t called me last night and told me they were going to kidnap me and lock me in a closet when I came to NY so I couldn’t leave…I am not so sure I would believe anyone could see me, period.

And that, that kinda sucks.