One of the first few surgeries I did have (I think this was the second one) involved them cutting from the top of my right shoulder blade, around the scapula, under my left breast and splitting down in between my bottom two ribs clear through to my groin area. It has left me with masses of scar tissue and pain which sometimes becomes too much to bear. Being on my feet up here at altitude has been a big surprise and reminds me of the immense amount of pain I suffered through when I first tried to stay on my feet back in 1998 at my first bartending job at Webster Hall, having started that New Year’s night. I was in such an amazing amount of pain it was entirely excruciating and I thought many times that I just wanted to throw the towel in. The same pain has returned, making me question my ability to work in any capacity requiring I be on my feet for too long. It happened on a pretty mediocre walk the other day, around 2 miles to my destination with a dog in tow, following my mother to Tante’s house (she is Joe, by birth mother’s husband’s aunt) to help her dye Easter eggs for baskets for the kids. When I got there I felt much the same as I felt back in 1998, but it was strange given in the NYC metro area you basically walk all day every day and it never hurt me. I was in so much pain I wanted to cry, but I neglected to do so for fear of scaring my mother. She tried her best to massage me after I handed one of the dogs off to her so she would be responsible for finishing walking two riled up dogs without me. But trying to walk two dogs and massage me so I could finish the walk was not entirely possible.

I got there and I sat on a stool for the remainder of the day, dying five dozen eggs while my mother moved around me, massaging me for part of the time, the other part fielding phone calls from our family members and even making some on my behalf regarding testing my coumadin (blood thinness) levels to check on my body’s capacity to form a clot.

I realize now I really need to either invest in a good massage therapist to rework these masses of scar tissue littering my back, or perhaps trying some yoga or pilates to naturally stretch the tissue out so that the pain I experience will dissipate.

Today I went to Whole Foods with my sister to pick up this natural remedy called Wish Garden Cramp Relief www.wishgardenherbs.com/index.php to assist me with the fact that not only was my back hurting me, but my friendly reminder I can never have children also had showed up to torture me as well. I stood there in the Whole Foods with my lips trembling, my eyes welling up with tears because I felt so crazy not only for that reason and also because simply standing has taken on a new shape, called “torture deanna.”

After several hours and dropper fulls of this stuff, I realized my back stopped hurting in intermittent spaces. I realized this after wondering around JoAnn fabrics for pieces for the cancer bands, and not wanting to massage my own shoulder or beg my sister to take me home. By the time we got home I was in need of some help, given I had been on my feet some 3 hours after watching Joe shop for bicycles and then doing the sister hand off to my sister Stephanie. So I took it and within a very short period of time my back stopped throbbing. I think I need to get this stuff by the gallon given I have been complaining about this stitched up back of mine since 1995. I never got physical therapy for it, and it is really the one throbbing reminder aside from my track marks of scars that I am one sick little thing.

On top of all of this, I am also not a happy girl given it seems my friends in the NY/NJ area seem to have disappeared and forgotten about me entirely. I know that life goes on even when you leave, but given the precarious and delicate nature of my life, I would prefer not to know how easily everyone seems to move on when I am no longer in their line of vision or given any consideration for existing.

Either way, it seems that my hormonal issues have smoothed out as the day has progressed and my tears have stopped flowing so easily. My sister has been amazing throughout all of this, holding my hand as she drove the car home from the grocery today and hugging me when I fell apart in her living room. I have not felt that kind of physical assurance from anyone in so long, after really not crying in misery in some time now. I am in general a pretty happy girl given my precarious life station, because I do realize how precious time is and how important it is to make every moment as invigorating and positive as you can.

“True friends are like diamonds, precious and rare. False friends are like leaves, found everywhere.” Author Unknown