and I haven’t done anything remotely Christmas-like aside from put ornaments away, which involved walking them into the other room.

One of these years I am going to have a fantastically swank Kissmas…and no one will be happier than me…I was one of those kids who believed in the magic of people past the point of rationality…thing is, people aren’t all as good as I want them to be.

So I came back to the farm the day before yesterday (Wednesday). I asked to see my girl, but B was worried about her presentation so asked that I wait. I realized I wasn’t so concerned with that as much as I was with being alone with her for a minute and being able to see her when I wanted. I went out to get a coffee and came back and went into the shed where she was yesterday, finally. And she was propped inside a bag and her head was out…she really didn’t look dead at all. She looked like my girl, sleeping. So I cried and said I was so sorry for leaving her and sorry she was alone and told her how much she meant and how good she was–and the other sorries that come only when it’s too late.

Then I left and went back to the house and the boys came home. G helped me find her spot and picked the cold ground to make a hole big enough for her and dug it out. I collected stones to protect her from the coyotes. And when it was done, she in the hole…I couldn’t say anything out loud. There, swaddled in rocks and leaves, she looked dead. Her eye was half open and I could barely see as I pushed the dirt with my hands up and around her.

And so it was done. G commented about this being important, she going back into the earth, and that it’s something we are not used to dealing with as people and it’s good because we get distracted and don’t realize people are dying and things aren’t permanent and we will all go through it. The dying part for me is clearly personal, and albeit a bit selfish…I have thought about it more than any person should have to…I mean, it’s one of those things I literally wake myself up many days and pinch myself to make sure I am not some ghost continuing life in some dream that I don’t see the edges of…

But, health-wise I should be ok for a long time…my doctors tell me my heart will outlive the rest of me. Now if I hadn’t had the seizure strokes…things might not seem so daunting. But trying to keep your life happy and stress-free and wonderful and whole is not as easy as making the choice. Because I am a  happy girl, and I do love life, and I would like to be stress-free but the circumstances don’t ever really seem suited to that endeavor. So that’s the mission over the next decade and some…finding my piece of mind so I can live as long as I want to…which for now is a lot longer than it seemed many years ago…

But Christmas is next week. I have nothing for anyone. My giving spirit was much more alive during the year, and now when I am supposed to, well, forget it. There’s always next year after all…