E’s morsel of wisdom came to level me down to a certain playing field once again. He looks at me yesterday and said “so when you were recovering from your most recent dying episode in the hospital back in 2006…did you ever think you’d be able to say to yourself that 4 years later you’d have nothing?” Um, thanks. Yes of course I had thought about it. I think about that stuff all of the time. But to have someone else actually acknowledge it gives it a different kind of twist of meaning. So I said, “no.” His response was some version of “then why are you doing?!?!?” I swear I wish just having the idea counted for more. I have and have had so many of them, so many. I am missing the execution points for them in having the means to complete what I start. So I need to find a way. I went to Canada, fell in love with it in a lot of ways, and then had to saunter back down here to figure it out. The Canada experience was an enlightening one and continues to be so, though in fits and starts since Canada is h-way up there and I am still sitting h-way down here. Ideas and business plans and minds meshing? Love that stuff.

I guess my life’s master plan of having someone take care of me got wrecked. Dammit. Rightttt, haha. I have said that should I have been able to have babes, I would have had my own and kept the promise of “if I can’t do it alone, why do it at all?” Nobody is saving this little chicken but herself. I need to find worthy parties to enlist in some sort of plan for a business, or somehow wrestle the cowboy with too many plans down to the ground to tell me something about it. I’ll starve I don’t care. I am not going back in and coming out empty-handed any more. Because looking at someone in the eye when you know they’ve actually seen the lights out for a time in your eyes…and knowing you really are basically a huge waste of chance and good fortune, well.
F is all I have to say about that.