Oh, today–you started off bizarre, tear-filled and empty, then became a little more tolerable as the day went on. Poor F had to bear the brunt of it originally, meeting me on the street with tears streaming down my face…and enforced to me that I should be more focused on giving and being a good friend and everything would eventually fall into place. This kind of advice is what I needed to hear…I tend to get wrapped up in my own selfishness sometimes and think everything needs to be about me-me-me. People have major problems and mine are centered around things I do have some control over now. Medications strengthen my heart and aortic walls and pull down my blood pressure. I have a place to live, food to eat, people who love me. I can walk. I can do anything I want to do. I am not ugly or weathered or old. I am just a woman looking for a little piece of mind.

Then curses explained the falling of my sanity and heart into a hole. I should have realized this given it was a slow decline over the past week and some. Once I get my finances back in order a bit and the aid comes flowing through again, I am doing some Tai Chi action and yoga several times a week. I did start filling out the forms to go volunteer at the VA but got disconcerted because I do on occasion do things that are questionable and there is this addendum that says they can collect information on you for prosecution. I just wanted to hang out with old lonely soldiers and offer them something silly to laugh about, as I can get old men laughing pretty easily. But that…that is just pretty wrong if you ask me.

The situation that I got myself into back in 2000 is coming to a head and I will finally be free. I got an email about that this morning. I am not sure if this is the kind of freedom I should look forward to given it will adversely affect some things. There is also the idea that the situation exists as a filter to keep people at arm’s distance in some respects. It’s never been a selling point exactly, and I have never really acknowledged it to be a problem until I just wrote it. But maybe it is more responsible than not…I mean it is an impossibility. And when I am finally free I will have a party. And I will be without ties. I can really move on past that point in my life. If I could get it resolved by my birthday my jesus year will mean something more.

I watched a few movies today, and there was a line in Julie and Julia…I never finish anything, she said. I realize I have that tendency. So many projects…I feel like I have ADD in some respects with my ideas. I have a billion. I should have been an inventor…but as an artist and creator you are a different kind of inventor sometimes.

I feel squishy and wiggly and I need a hug or ninety…nah, I’d take one. Just one.