My original ramblings at this time were an amalgamation of spit and blood and muddied heart songs. I am choosing to flip it around and focus on the positive, what I do possess.
My head is hurting me and it has been for quite some time now…I have been getting these strange headaches for weeks. I know what it means but I am not going to verbalize it or make it manifest with any kind of true acknowledgment. What it does do is further incite me to finish a few things I need to do before/if something crazy happens. Unfortunately for me, I got the third confirmation from a friend of mine just earlier today that they, too, had a dream something bad had happened to me. I am not sure why people think they need to tell me this stuff. It is more than understood that I have no ]power over what is in store for me in that regard. It does incite a different kind of fire under me, however, to do some things I want. It also, admittedly, fueled the fire for me to write my tear-filled heart explosion a few days ago.
No, wait, forget that–I do have some power to flip it around. I don’t want to die (lamely, might I add) of a broken heart. And it’s not a broken heart which I can attribute to one person, but the universe at large…the bodies, faces, minds and souls of those who took from me and never gave any portion of what they took from me back. I wish I had some ability to guard, reserve it, know that the people I was giving to understood and appreciated that I gave all that I had, usually at my own expense. And not monetary expense but the soul expense…the expansion of self to bandage the wounds of those who needed me.
I like being me. I do. Actually no, I would never want to be anyone else. My friends told me when I got back from Canada that they missed me (say what, I said?) and that there was only one “deanna.” Which at the end of the day is pretty amazing (the recognition) given I often feel like people don’t fully appreciate who I am, try to be, the energy I am constantly pushing out in all of their directions to heal, grow, and contribute in a positive way to their success. And I am not talking about monetary success, but the success that grows from understanding and knowing how to live. Not live in the stagnant sense but truly appreciate what it means to be alive. And more than a few people lately have disclosed to me that they envy my ability to just go with the flow, float by unafraid, try new things, put my heart on the line and out there dangling so far there is no way to go but down. And as I seem to forever tumble onto my head during these times…I realize it is more than okay. I will never stop putting myself out there-in regards to friendship and love they are very much in line.
Another thing I am going to put out there, Universe? I don’t want to end up with a jerky American. Going up to Canada and vibing with them made me realize it is a lot better (or see the potential even) in other places–the people who come out of places which are not all about guns and money-yeah, that’s pretty much my only prerequisite. Culturally I have some things to learn. As I was talking with Miss L today about a misunderstanding that A and I had about his friend B…assuming that I wanted him or something…she told me it was okay and understood that it was more of a social awareness we did not have that others did. She said the same thing happened to her when she was in Europe. People got annoyed with her for being so touchy, so opinionated, for sitting too close. I feel like these are all idiotic things I did do. And despite whether or not this was true…I could never, have never fallen for someone on sight alone–I have to love the mind in the body because the body, as I know more than anyone, is a vessel waiting to start cracking from the outside/in or the inside/out. I have never, could never and this is why my sexual prowess sits damaged and waiting. 7/8/9 was the last time I had a someone truly at my disposal.
And now I am going to go meditate on what I need and see what my mind wants to paint for pretty dreams in a few hours.
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