Ok so I cursed god (and no, I am not prone to fairy tale pandering) last summer when he failed to deliver a fantastic end to what started out to be a lovely summer. I guess the rain started heavily in July–I never felt connected to it after then. But this year proves to be more in terms of warmth and possibility. I am having chest pains considering the air conditioner and what it will do to an already strained budget.

But yes…I have been having so many conversations as of late–fascinating ones with my boss, a new friend, and an old friend and everyone seems to be saying the same thing to me in regards to how I handle my affairs and my friends..who I treat as family. I tend to give give give until there is not a damn thing left for me. I would sooner starve myself than watch one of my friends starve. I guess this is because I feel so fortunate to have so much in terms of basic survival needs–clothing, home, medicine whatever. I know so many people are not as lucky as I am to have so many people as I seem to have in most directions who give a shit about how I am, and what I am doing. Granted this is not everyone, and the people I am helping generally tend not to be on that list…they take take take…and their giving bone hasn’t baked in their head oven long enough to make a really big difference.

But you know? Forget that. I am going to start covering me first for once, and if I have stuff left over, then I share…today already I have people handling some negative that has appeared in my account as a result of some late payments. As in going to the bank and putting money in for me.

It’s come down a lesson about the expectations we feel we can have about other people. For me, I am not so much about having high expectations of those around me…but I suspect I do sometimes feel very alien to those close to me in regards to how I treat people…but as a lovely boss once said, you cannot apply your work ethic to other people…and though it certainly is a loose association, I feel that it paints the picture well.

I think also…that part of my mind has been waiting to be twisted and affected by another influence, people, group, etc…maybe twisted is not the right word, but I think I need my face firmly slapped sideways and I have felt small nudges in those directions. If only more people were really looking out for my best interests…well, there’s nothing more to be said.