I think I have been catapulted into a pit of sorts, with the help of a fastidious female friend. I love her, don’t get me wrong, but all of this talk and drama she has been sorting through in her new life has definitively affected me in a negative way. I would never blame someone for my state-of-mind and state of self, but all of this negativity and bullshit is enough to sink the titanic, let alone a girl as sensitive to me in my current frame of mind. Some miraculous things happened due to the advice of some solid male friends of mine. And I was reminded of who I was with their intervention. See, I tend to get a little out of sorts and wild and crazy during certain times of the year and this was no exception. When the weather turns cold I tend to fixate on certain feelings of abandonment which have been repeated since the winter of 1995, with certain levels of cheating, lying and other sordid affairs of my body and heart rearing their ugly head for constant cyclic repeating. No more, though. I was reminded of who I was and who I would strive to be with my repeating statements uttered to me via the mouth of someone who does give a shit and calls me constantly to check on my frame of mind and state of things. Life is short, it’s true, and I could illustrate this in ways most people could not. People do fixate and waste a lot of time on petty things which mean nothing. At the end of the day, no amount of money or fame can compare with the love people have for you. So would I forsake this in the name of protecting myself? Maybe I would for a hot minute, but I would quickly be reminded of the fact that I am supposed to be literally dead eight times over. And the people who are lucky enough to know my acquaintance now are the same ones who I shunned because of a certain lack of understanding. But who could know, but me?

Maybe I am not here to teach others about the art of loving those outside of oneself, but then again maybe I am. All I know is I have a ton of love to give, and the lucky soul who possesses my heart and emotions should thank the lucky stars for giving him someone who does not understand the idea of bad timing, not now, and never enough. I know what life is about: I have stared death in the face. And solitude and mourning of the self and who you thought you would be is no state to remain in. I am firm with that belief. I love with reckless abandon. I do not love too much, and I have loved in a very limited scope. I love now, and I am more than open to the pain and confusion that comes with that. I am starting to finally accept who I am as a person, weaknesses and all. And whomever can appreciate that from me and out of me has a leg up on all competition…and there is always some.

Goodnight sweet hearts.