I am sitting in an internet cafe outside, watching the business of Newark avenue pass me by. It’s not the most beautiful scene but I really like being outside right now. October was always my favorite month, not for the Birthday’s sake but because Rocktober is really just the best–colors and apples and it’s not November so it’s not too cold. And September is just a weird month in general.
I have been thinking lately that I really should have gone to art school. Doing art has been the pinnacle of my happiness–it’s just the process that I have enjoyed. I have always shied away from it seriously because it never seemed like anything you could really make any money at–and my friends who went to art school seem to be doing anything but art these days.
I think I might need to do a little digging and research into the things I can do at Columbia with this–it seems ridiculous for me to drop out of this school and go off to another experiment somewhere else. I am always dabbling, yes, experimenting anyways so there is no need to do anymore of that. Or maybe there is. Everyone tells me I am a writer…yeah, I’ve got a penchant for it. But is it, it? I have no fucking clue. My father’s best friend Carlos took this test that cost $400 something which identifies all of your strengths and weaknesses and basically points you in a very specific direction. I might have to do that one day when I can blow tons of cash–NOT. I think I know what my strengths are, what my weaknesses are. And choosing is definitely one of the latter’s.
I heart this dress I found the other day. And I almost let myself buy it (I am insane sometimes yes). The dude I saw on tv last night was talking about how buying nice things is the thing to do right before a depression because a depression couldn’t take away looking and feeling good. Pretty funny, I realize. I am going to wait for a check from my grandma to arrive before I consider doing anything like that though,
I am still in shock I think, from the past weekend. There was just a ton going on. FS asked me to tell him stories, and I was like, um, read about them. But I don’t have any specific ones anyways…I was just a screwed up specimen under glass and I didn’t say anything wrong. I was very proud of myself for that because I often say stupid (wrong) things. I tried to be very careful about what I said because I was being judged. But my representative didn’t let me down.
I really like my comp lit class even if I don’t get it really. I want to understand more about philosophy and all that—I got lost today somewhere in the discussion about how romanticism and the Germans thinking they were it caused the holocaust…or affected it or something. I really need that comp lit for dummies book.
I dyed my hair brown and it is streaked all caramely. It is growing, which I like. My birthday is next week and I don’t want to do anything for it…in fact I won’t do anything for it but shut my phone off and pretend it isn’t happening. Not because I don’t like birthdays but because nobody is really around to play with…and hearing from people far away will just make me sad…so. No. Phone off, and I will probably sit here and treat myself to lunch again. And I will start writing the story of my life. I think I am going to start these chapters now–like a specific diary of sorts. Obviously writing a memoir would be kind of stupid considering I haven’t lived through anything really monumental but my own life.
I mean, would writing about all of this shit warrant a memoir?
heart surgery
being adopted
meeting my birth parents
being raped
being physically and emotionally tormented
growing up all over the country
dating every kind of man you could imagine (except wife beaters)
being a bad friend
being on the losing end of a bad friendship
I have a ton of subjects and I could just write about them for history’s sake. And then one day when I am somebody I will have a nice skeleton of a book to work with…maybe.
I need to write these poems now. Uh huh.
October 14, 2008 at 6:28 pm
I think I might need to do a little digging and research into the things I can do at Columbia with this–it seems retarded for me to drop out of this school and go off to another experiment somewhere else. I am always dabbling, yes, experimenting anyways so there is no need to do anymore of that. Or maybe there is.
My advice would be to stay the course. You started it, and you have your Dad helping you; now finish it.
October 14, 2008 at 9:58 pm
Francis. This is such rigid advice. You should be yelling at me daily. I just feel stupid lately is all.
October 14, 2008 at 10:40 pm
I don’t yell, Francis.
It’s not so much “rigid” advice as it is practical and reasonable advice. It’s what I’d want someone to say to me if I was thinking about making a decision (such as not finishing a degree I started) that I knew would ultimately not be in my own best interest.
The solution to feeling stupid is to read more, study harder, and work harder. You now have the means and the opportunity to get the education you’ve always wanted. What you do with those means and that opportunity is up to you and only you. In the time you spend sitting around feeling stupid, you could be studying.
Just my 2 cents: rewards ultimately come from hard work. Everyone I know who is successful has worked their ass off for years in order to achieve it. And learning is supposed to be a struggle.
October 14, 2008 at 7:36 pm
You could probably write a few with that list, I still have not made any attempts to do any writing myself, time is a commodity that is always in short supply.
My birthday is friday and I’m dreading it, they seem to come more frequently lately. But I love October for the weather as well, I just wish we’d get one night of frost to kill the wasps nest that is outside my bedroom window, the little bastards keep finding their way into my room.
And I agree with keeping on track, keep art as an outlet for now, once it becomes a job it looses it’s appeal.
October 14, 2008 at 10:00 pm
oh HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!
Birthdays are fun, usually. I just think I burned too many friend bridges being poor. I am not even kidding. Friends here, friends away from here. I can never do anything because I am also butt broke. So I guess I am mildly torturing myself for sucking as a person for so long.
I just want a job that doesn’t feel like a job and is fun. I have never had one of those. I wouldn’t even know what to do with myself it would be too weird.
October 14, 2008 at 10:51 pm
Well I’m butt ass broke myself so I know I won’t be doing much of anything.
You don’t suck, life happens, nothing we can do about that but it doesn’t mean you suck. Actually, for all the shit you’ve been through and the fact that you keep getting up and plugging away means you exceed as a person.
I know, I used to like working for Verizon for the most part, now I just can’t stand it. I only stay for the benefits, paycheck and the fact that it’s a very bad market right now, but I’d love to give it all up to do something that I just really love.
October 15, 2008 at 5:11 pm
I just think I burned too many friend bridges being poor. I am not even kidding. Friends here, friends away from here. I can never do anything because I am also butt broke. So I guess I am mildly torturing myself for sucking as a person for so long.
Since when did being a good friend become a financial question? Francis, whoever gave you that idea is whack. Being a good friend means caring enough to be involved in your friends’ lives, spend time with them, and show interest in who they are and what they care about (some examples would include: calling them on the phone and/or keeping in touch via e-mail, text, etc. or visiting occasionally). It’s really more about communication and/or contact than about money—at least for me it is. And while I know that even transportation (in the case of the example of visiting people) costs money, I for one have offered to buy you bus tickets, and assuming you came here you’d stay at my place and eat our food, meaning it would cost you nothing.
I’m saddened that someone somehow managed to convince you (or you have somehow managed to convince yourself) that friendship = money, because actually it doesn’t.
October 14, 2008 at 7:48 pm
Well shit, I’d read that memoir. I’ve read almost your whole blog (I think) and I didn’t know at least four of the most *shocking* or book-worthy type things. I think there’s actually MORE than one book in there.
I def don’t think you should quit Columbia though- for whatever degree you get. I think you’ll feel very accomplished when you have that piece of paper…AND it will open doors for you where maybe you’ll then have time to do your art too.
October 14, 2008 at 9:57 pm
yeah, I just wish I could feel accomplished now. I know you can probably imagine people’s reactions when they realize I am going to Columbia. Like I am some hotshot or something. But I can honestly admit I feel like they might have made a mistake in letting me in.
Granted they went over all of this my “freshman” year. They say that is a normal way to feel–but maybe it’s true for some people. I mean it really has to be for some people.
Yeah, I probably do have a few books in there. I should just separate them by “themes”. ahahaha…
October 15, 2008 at 1:13 am
Well…I don’t know if I ever felt “stupid” in college- I mean, I didn’t go to Columbia though- I went to Rider. lol. But, i did have the feeling of thinking I’d never finish. It was hard- it was just so much work- and I never thought I’d get all the work done.
It seems daunting, but accomplishment doesn’t come quickly- you know that. And you can have little accomplishments that mean something to you UNTIL you get that degree. Keep on going…I can’t even tell you how happy you’ll be when it’s finally over and the pride you’ll feel when you can say you graduated. 🙂