What on earth is “family”? To me it is a weird untouchable thing that, even when immersed completely in it, still escapes my grasp. Not that I cannot understand it–I have seen many “working” families, but my own experience with them is not the same as the experiences of my friends. I suppose it is not a good thing to admit to any potential suitor that family is kind of a taboo subject. I have certainly gotten better at explaining some things. But I do think that some people look at me in judgment, and not exactly positively. I want to understand it, I want to be a part of it. But even when I was sitting in a room full of what ended up being like 40 newly met “family members,” I still felt like an imposter–a faux cousin, daughter, grand daughter, niece, sister, and yes, sister-in-law. It was nothing anyone said to me, or did to me. It was this bizarre realization that I pretty much woke up from a coma and now have this “family”. And yes, I am totally jealous that I cannot be them, that I was not them, and that playing the part is a bit harder than I want it to be. It’s not that I am playing, since I am very much like my family…but I am not because I don’t really fit in the same way. And my history with them spans less than 10 years. How weird is that?

I called my own mother and father today from Denver. Not to tell them I was here, but just to see how they were. I suspect that I will probably follow in the footsteps of my Uncle Steven and get disowned from my family by my siblings at some point in the future…

But that saying…blood is thicker than water. What about history. Is blood thicker than that?

Ugh. I am a bit overwhelmed by all of the attention I got this weekend. EVERYONE had to meet me. Like a crazy chameleon under a glass I did a good job of playing my role, the daughter some only found out about a few months ago…I smiled, and spoke very intimately with some older people. This was mostly because younger people (as in under 60) seem not to understand my predicament. But the older ones knew somehow how strange…not difficult, not hard, but how strange it is to now see everything you missed and could have had if things had just gone a little differently.

The wedding itself was lovely. The catholic ceremony a bit too long and involved for my tastes. There was some “and also with you” stuff thrown in there as well as some prayer time. I’m not a believer so I don’t do the praying thing in the classic way. I didn’t eat the cookie, I mean body, of jesus. I think that’s kind of weird anyways.  And no, I never had first communion, but I kept thinking about how my sister did it once just to see. The priest said some things I found myself agreeing with involving fidelity and commitment. I am still a bit jealous that I have never been asked in my life. I know that is pretty stupid, considering I haven’t sustained any relationships beyond a few years healthily. But, really? Everyone I know has possessed the ring at some point. Well, maybe someday, maybe never. I should have a faker so that little Tante Liesel can come dance. She promised me she would dance at mine since I couldn’t get her to dance at my sister’s. Tante is like 89…I told her me getting married at any point pretty much ever is probably not going to happen. There’s no need to get a little old lady’s hopes up after all.

But I always wanted that party and that dress and a ring. I don’t need the paper. I like my name so it serves no purpose beyond tax breaks.  Presents are always good, too, no? Bleh.

I need a brain freeze for a while (induced!). I want to wake up in five years with some direction. I don’t want to suffer through the time. Time and waiting for me are the worst things to ever happen. I am very impatient. And I hate the ideas of time and waiting. Waiting to leave, waiting to be done, waiting to get that email, waiting for that call—every aspect of what I hate—all ruined by time.

In any case I will be on a plane tomorrow night and I hope to sleep the entire ride home. Then I will exit the plane and go home and do some more sleeping. I hope to be cuddled and spooned and kissed by FS. I hope to be in that position by midnight. And then the next day I will try to find some books which will help me with comp lit French style, since, as my teacher likes to point out, the French writers were the only ones who knew what was going on. What that means? Not sure. I am still stuck in the muck if mimesis and trying to figure out where Plato ends and Aristotle begins, and Gadamer and Kant are all related. If any of you know what I am talking about…please help. I am going to have to go purchase mimesis and the history of the novel for dummies. I am pretty much altogether lost beyond that.

One thing that is a definitive for sure problem? I adjust to time zones usually within one day (this way anyhow). Hopefully that is the same going back or this whole week will be pure hell for me.