But I haven’t had any since AZ. Nor any really peaceful restful sleep (last night I had none! I gleefully exclaim like a kid riding her bike with no hands). And no, the excitement is completely faked and falsified for all of your enjoyment. All I want and need to do is go and fall asleep on a floor with a blanket. I’m pissed at the boys for not letting me sleep in a real bed so I will avoid talking to them soon. My back is three steps from not moving. I threw myself on the floor of the Path train today in a kind of mini-tantrum. Then I realized it was because I was pmsing. So I am on the verge of bleeding, homeless, showerless and need someone to take care of me for a day or two since I am apparently very bad at it today. And what will happen is I will yell at the gayman and hopefully find myself drunk in a bar not too late in the evening. So tomorrow when I wake up in whatever fashion, my bones and back might be slippery from the liquory stuff. And although I won’t feel any better, maybe I will stop feeling worse.
E asked me why I didn’t wait until I had myself more set up before doing this. I find this to be a preposterous question given that would mean I would be covertly planning to leave him and have my place all planned out and just walk out the door of my old life into my new life. How insane is that? Maybe I am an idiot. All I know is last night when I called my father and he asked me what I was going to do…well I felt a bit less stable and safe than I should. This ties into that whole argument of trust. Why would I trust someone who actually just hasn’t been there to step in and follow through with something he said? Well, I wouldn’t actually. And I might have to get used to that idea. Which is fine. Because I am a grown woman and I should be taking care of myself and expect nobody else to do anything for me. This is not a pity me please comment but the absolute truth.
All of my employees have seen me sitting here crying because I have nowhere to live and I can’t move because my back is so destroyed. Everyone has been telling me to leave and go home. This is kind of funny and humorless because it means I go nowhere.
And you all know I can go through some serious stuff and not whine about pain. Heart surgery, dialysis? Give it to me. But when your spine and your bones creak like this. Well.
That pretty much means F you.
(and that means me)
August 28, 2008 at 5:23 pm
Deanna- I have to say, I thought the same thing about getting set up first prior to leaving. THat’s why I thought we (your faithful friends and readers) were missing part of the story- thinking there was some big blow-out and you left haphazardly in the heat of a moment. While it might not have been “technically” nice, it is what many people do. lol. Hell, the catalyst for B’s divorce was that he “didn’t like the way she looked at a certain building when they were finishing a hike” and sure enough, having a bad feeling, he found out via some sleuthing that his ex-wife had already looked at (or possibly signed a lease- I forget the specifics) an apt in this particular building.
I think, honestly, that there’s some deeper psychological reason that you end up in situations that are extemely difficult for you. Almost like you feel like you deserve it or something. Granted, i also had neurotic Jewish parents who drummed certain things into my head where I’d be afraid as hell not to have a safety net of some kind in most situations…and Jewish neuroses trumps most every other thought of just “freewheeling”. 😉
I really hope that everything works out for you and that you’re safe, able to shower, and with a bed. Like I’ve said, if there’s anything I can do/help with, please let me know.
August 28, 2008 at 6:08 pm
Yeah,
The issues that led to it were never discussed openly on livejournal because while in the relationship it was important for me to keep that confidence. People who know me well know there were things that didn’t work. All I can say is that I saw the four year mark coming up and realized that certain things were missing and needed to change. And because I asked for them and they were ignored, I had to make a decision. So I did a the next time this thing happens I have to do this decision and that was that. I thought I was going to be able to wait a week, but after I started it again I had to finish it.
As for feeling like I don’t deserve good things, well. yeah. I would have to agree with you. I was told I was a piece of shit who would never be anything for so long that some of it stuck in some ways. Meeting my birth family and realizing they are good people and I am probably good by proxy has helped. But I do need to start making decisions and hanging around people who make me feel better about me. Or at least don’t make me feel bad, I guess.
Thanks for the offer. I am so tired of moving I can’t even tell you.
August 28, 2008 at 6:17 pm
Obviously you have to keep some things private! I just hate to see you in such a vulernable and scary position as to not know where you’re going to be laying your head every night. I wish you were a bit more selfish and had yourself set up and settled first, that’s all. I totally understand when you need OUT, you need out.
I think you DO need to surround yourself with positivity and good people. But, i don’t think it makes you a bad person to watch out for yourself first sometimes too- from stuff you’ve written, I don’t think you do that often enough. You ARE important, as is your general day to day health and well-being. You’re very brave. Just don’t take your bravery to extremes where you’re putting yourself in danger.
August 28, 2008 at 7:41 pm
1. Please don’t tell me that your father is flaking out on you.
2. Why not just come stay here for awhile?
August 29, 2008 at 8:58 pm
No, he’s not. I thought he was. He gave me a dad speech this morning about it. Which I actually liked. That, you must do well because if I do this for you and you get bad grades, I am going to be really pissed. I love him…and it. I tried to tell him I didn’t have a bad relationship with my parents because I was a bad kid or got bad grades. I mean, he doesn’t know any differently so what was he supposed to think?
Someday he’ll meet people that know Bev and crew and tell him what’s up.
August 28, 2008 at 8:01 pm
I know you have school and work and a life, but you DO know I have an empty room and an empty house here in the Rocky Mountains that you are more than welcome to come help me fill. *HUG* I’m thinking of you and wishing you the very best, my dear. If I can do anything or if you need to talk, call me any time (now that I can talk again!)!!!
August 29, 2008 at 8:59 pm
you rule! thank you so much.
someday I will end up back in your neck of the woods.
just not right now–I gots to get me this degree.
🙂