I’ve never seen myself much along the lines of a heart breaker, though I certainly have some in my past. Along with the time and space that I was able to attain to produce an actual seizure, I had the time and space to evaluate the people around me in my life. And though I do have some amazing friends and know a lot of people who do care about me, I have started to realize that I am missing something. I mean, it’s not as if I just woke up the other day and realized “this life is not for me”. It was definitely something that grew and changed and morphed…and it never stoppped morphing into something I shouldn’t have allowed to happen.

I am a really spirited independent kind of girl–bad at letting other people tell me what to do (usually that is), and bad at letting situations control me (unless there are aspects worth recognizing). More importantly, the dogs and E have been such a huge part of my life for so long–change was not easy to address in the way that I needed to.

But while I was in California and was able to see relationships around me which embodied a certain ideal…and as I was able to start opening my own mouth and head and eyes to myself. And the writing came out. Well. It started to show itself for what it really was. And it was the me that could be screaming her head off at the me that was saying…”What is wrong with you, dude?” My grandmother and her mother both had breast cancer. I have already been told I have uppity chances because of the radiation. And I am actually cool with that–those will be the years I get on the roller coaster and do all that, “you shouldn’t be doing this” stuff. That sickness I can imagine in a much more realistic manner I think because of the illness I already have suffered through. And for real? My life is more realistically going to be affected by those kinds of things. I buy myself time in the beginning to shave it off the end. That’s the shit. Whatever…

In any case. I have ended the relationship that I had with E in the way that I had it. He and I no longer will be living together nor dating. But we will be friends. Because that is what we are best at anyways. There are some people who will most assuredly be like, WHAT?! Did she fry her brain with the seizure, and maybe others who were able to see it a bit differently. One thing is for sure, I won’t let it destroy me, obliterate my soul or ruin my heart from loving anyone ever again. It was just a necessary move for me to make to feel like I was really moving forward with my life.

And as of next week. It is school. And some work. And school.

Everything else can bite me.