I haven’t been around lately…but I’ve been reading.

I didn’t write a few weeks back because S came to town and I sent her a link to my journal…something she doesn’t understand how to use. But referring to someone as OCD is probably insulting enough. She made me spend ridiculous amounts of time shopping…and I had been out of my open heart for like 6 weeks when she came. She’s the type of girl that has to look and touch every item in any store we walked into. I took her to Century 21, and the clothing section was a bit much for her (thank god), but she tore through the shoe department in search of the perfect pair, something that did not occur. And something that was painfully imbedded into my bones and muscles as well, the searching and constant sitting and throbbing of them all.

Then I went to go see my parents the weekend after. Father’s Day my mother’s birthday. Both of them geminis, something that is only frightening to people who know what that means. I saw my nieces, who I explained that I had no children or car, and explained trains running under the streets. They couldn’t conceive of how one would navigate an underground system where you couldn’t see the trees or traffic lights. Then they asked me if I still had blood in my body, if I still had a heart. I love children for that, their immediate curiosity, their questions not built of hate or suspicion. Regular people like to think I blew my heart apart doing cocaine, something I had never nor would ever touch.

This past week I spent in Colorado with E, visiting my birth mother and her family. How lovely and eye opening that experience was, being with people who acted like a family, being around people who wanted to include E and I immediately. Sunday the 2nd we got extremely drunk, on Jager bombs…the red bull is something I would normally avoid but the altitude and alcohol medicine combination worked to my benefit. Those B vitamins work wonders on people who are prone to the hangover. For me it was awesome, and touching, how gushy everyone was, heads bent and crying, telling me how important I was to them, my sister telling me I was the best thing that ever happened in her life, that she wanted me to be her maid of honor. I have never felt that loved and important to anyone. The piggy even cried a bit, they loved him immediately, everyone telling me separately how amazing it was I had someone who was so good to me, who treated me well and went through all of the drama with fewer complaints than a normal person might have. My brother and sister and I sitting on the bathroom floor, talking about our lives, how excited they were to have a big sister to ask questions to—sometimes I feel bad, realizing all that I have missed, not having a family so lovely. Then I realize I am where I am because that is where I am, where I ended up. Colorado surgeons aren’t as well equipped to deal with such degenerative tissue disorders. I might have died years ago if I hadn’t had such good access. My family is my family, my sister, my brother my mom and dad. I find it easier to refer to my birth mother as Barbara, and my other brother and sister are who they are…but it seems the titling is easier the other way around. I know they did their best, I know they tried, but their failure was in communicating and mine was in not understanding.

Today I had lunch with an old friend, me laying down the synopsis of the last year. He said to me, I can’t believe how much you are telling me. It was easy to do with someone I know…and he being a writer seemed to make it important, to share life experiences, to explain what made my body fail (or what I suspect might have). He shed some light on someone I thought I knew…though I am not one to make judgments, to feel badly about someone just because someone described something messed up about them. To be clear and concise about it, though, it was odd, making me realize how little I really knew someone I thought I knew. But this someone has also been pretty absent from my latest struggles, pretty non-existent as a helping hand..emotionally and generally vanished.

I have to do some things before the end of this year….go to Europe, have my art show. Get my vocal chords repaired. I might be taking a general intro to jewelry design to determine whether I should do the longer program. I was telling E that I wanted to make clothing, jewelry, do pottery, design my own furniture, write a book. I wish there existed a program masters or bachelors, called “Creation”. I would be most happy making everything.

I have to go get a present for my friend’s birthday…it will be super fancy.

All smiles to all!!!