But Christmas was a lovely success. I made classic turkey dinner with gravy and smashed potatoes, butternut squash, cranberries, rice pilaf with stir-fried veggies and laid it out for my dinner party of 6 (including me). E and Francine and Fetus and Bj and John were there to partake in my holiday festivities. I made rocky road candy and laid out a plate of my mother’s dutch cookies and candies and bought what was supposed to be a fantastic cake but ended up flopping flat as a delicacy. We waited a while for everything to come together as I thought it was just going to be the three of us until the last minute.

All in all it was exactly what I wanted out of my Christmas dinner and evening. Most of my favorite people coming together to celebrate a good year gone, and everyone seemed to be pretty happy with the food and company—and egg nog with rum! Pictures will come soon—

I have been feeling less than 100% lately. More like 75% because my energy levels have been zapped with the emotional turmoil of having to revisit a lot of these feelings, this fear, this disgust all over again. There are a few things that differ, the most important being my knowledge of true bottoms, the true bottom, the fear of death that comes with questioning one’s mortality. I know what to expect, how to look at this thing because it is so close to me. And although the metaphorical time bomb in my chest is acting up a bit again, it’s just further reinforcement that the petty things in one’s life, bad people and concern for things that certainly do not matter, lie on the bottom of the totem pole of value.

A bunch of the time in the hospital I was joking around with the nurses, who thought it absurd at first that I would be joking about shit. And I realize my sense of humor and timing has a lot to do with that, being ill, and finding and remarking in my brain on the absurdity of dealing with such a geriatric issue at such a strange time in my life. Beginnings, and all, you know?

It looks like I will be taking a leave of absence from work to deal with my over-medicated condition and the slower rate of my heart. Exciting in some ways, lulling in others.

Francine is the best thing to happen this week. We wicket around unconcerned with the impressions of the general population, which allows a freedom that I find almost impossible with everyone else. It’s a relaxation to have her around as well as a gift, and when she leaves my life will definitely be dimmer.