So San Francisco and LA are like under $200 something round-trip. But Belize is right up there in affordability.
I need something to look forward to, like a physical escape into warmer
places. Last year it was Miami in December. This year, who knows?
But, the skies are wide open, and so is the vision.
And I realized something else. I didn’t move to Boston because the
circumstances were not there for me. For example, if I had stayed with
Francessa as we first planned, I would have moved, but I came back here
to plan it more efficiently, but that never works. And so, no Boston
for me. And probably for good, because all the planning in the world
will never work out for me like that.
Sometimes when you find yourself in a happy place (which I thought was
me then), you have to fight your way to stay. I could have stayed with
my mom, or other friends, but I had to squirm my way back here, and be
flat ass broke instead! Oh, the choices I’ve made.
And next time, maybe, I will make myself stay where I belong. Or where
I think I belong at that moment. Because I don’t know where I belong. I
have never felt comfortable in any kind of sense of ‘homeness’, or
happiness in a place that was not fleeting. Perhaps it is my
conditioning. My mother and father had 24 houses, and I think I have
lived in 17–across 4 different states, and some back again.
So what do you do when you feel no home?
I guess you shop for another one. At some point it becomes necessary.
Uh huh. And today is my first day of work outside the home since July.
And that is kind of exciting. My energy is kind of messed up, but I
will deal.
Wish me luck.
October 13, 2004 at 9:06 am
“And I realized something else. I didn’t move to Boston because the circumstances were not there for me. For example, if I had stayed with Francessa as we first planned, I would have moved, but I came back here to plan it more efficiently, but that never works. And so, no Boston for me. And probably for good, because all the planning in the world will never work out for me like that.”
Francis, I deliberately chose to rent the room to this Indian guy who only plans on staying until February. That’s five months, Francis. If you want, and you’re ready by winter, that room is still yours…
Let me know.
I love you, Francis. XOXOX
October 13, 2004 at 11:13 am
I’ve never really felt a hominess anywhere either…
It’s not really such a bad thing. At least you’re free to find the place you like the most.
Good luck at work today Doc.
October 15, 2004 at 10:23 pm
within, not without
I’ve come to believe (again, in my more lucid moments) that one can love another more deeply, the more one loves themselves. Along that same line of thinking, maybe the more comfortable in ourselves we feel, the more at home in the world we’ll feel.
It’s a bit all over the place (I guess like most works in progress). I just identified with the feeling of spiritual/emotional homelessness.
October 18, 2004 at 8:49 am
Re: within, not without
Yeah, it really is something that I have always struggled with–but I realize that a lot more people than I thought really don’t feel comfortable in the place in their lives, hence the allusion to homelessness.
I just got used to moving. And now I have been here a bit, and I am kind of over it in some ways.
But I don’t know if I’m giving up yet.