I have been realizing some comforts I have been able to take in getting older and realizing I am closer now to an end after all this time. I have finally decided I am comfortable in my own skin. A lot of this has been helped along by Don’s acceptance of me and everything that comes along with me. He has always made me feel like I am wanted and pretty and all the things everyone wants to feel–always has even when he is mad at me. So I have started not wearing bras more often than I ever think to wear them, which is actually a huge breakthrough for me, because I know padded bras and bras with too much boob for my entire life. Now I am like, whatever, people. I never had children and have a smaller chest anyways so I am still standing up. All those years I spent trying to be bigger were a waste anyways because who the hell cares–bras hurt and when you’ve had as many surgeries as I have had–there must be some damage from all of the underwires I wore because I had no boobs to speak of–the things we do trying to look good are pretty extreme sometimes. At this point I’ve grown comfortable in my own skin suddenly since wishing for a decade would be pushing my luck. Now I am like yeah, so for the things I hate on my body now–the scars the no boobs the shitty tattoos—I am over it to a large extent. I still want some tattoos and I do wish I had somewhat bigger boobs sometimes, but I accept the fact that I am me and I can only do so much to make what I have work for me.

One other thing I have returned to is short hair. I think there were some years I was trying to do and be someone I wasn’t going to be and there were a few reasons I might have done that–and I won’t go into them now, but fuck it. I am cute with short hair and I am keeping it. To my chin, blonde blonde blonde. I had the same hair at 19 but it was crispy fried and now I know a bit more than I did then. Some of my rules are these-

*professional hairdressers will always do a better job than you, unless you are one or have developed the skills.

*you can over process your hair and cause it to break like it’s angel hair pasta. I have melted my hair a few times now.

*spend money on the right hair products. I’ve been told Pantene is like floor wax and will wreck your hair–I’ve committed to the MONAT for now as it seems to be working well. I take my hair and skin vitamins and the collagen is somehow harder to wrangle into my food because I don’t do enough smoothies right now. I did get all the blueberries so everything will be fine. I have been eating dates and all that, but like kale chips. I cannot get over the texture and my twisted imagination. The ones I did have reminded me of what I imagine chewing on a cockroach might be like, and with kale chips, holy shit, fire the person who came up with that label, it’s like eating eyelashes, which we all know is totally disgusting.

As I am committed to moving IF we can–finding an apartment is going to be way more challenging than anything else we have tried for sure. The issue is this city is insanity. You need to give 60 days notice to leave but most places do not advertise their spaces for rent more than 60 days out so we are kind of fucked right now unless we were richie rich which I am not. We are looking in Boulder, and it appears that is something that not very highly regarded in Colorado, unless maybe you are IN Boulder. It’s apparently California in city form so everyone automatically hates it. Like HATES it in ways I don’t think are exactly normal. I want a Jersey City feel, as in walkable life for me near where I live which does mean yes, a city like Boulder. I just think if we do move I am just not going to be able to tell anyone is all. I will just move and not tell anyone actually IN Colorado so I can avoid the attitude.

I ate some broccoli tonight so down went the pomegranate. The leg is dying, sure but it’s not like going steeply down I am hoping. It hurts and it’s vibrating hurt and it’s annoying, but it’s definitely tolerable compared to other pains I have had to get used to existing inside. As I sit here, I realize it is a constant pain, but it’s hopefully getting reduced with my other methods.. I count my walnuts and blueberries and pomegranate and cherries as my reason for that. I do garlic and peppers often enough, too. I am trying my best to do the right things save a few other changes I need to make, too. I really am trying to make shit happen with the energy I do have. My job is getting harder because my heart isn’t in it anymore–it’s taken a vacation from being concerned about it what is going on in the world of people traveling all over the world and I need to be selfish, because I am feeling that way.

That’s really a good enough reason for me.