Well that was an unfortunate thing to have to write yesterday but I felt a need to remark it. After I read over it, it seemed kind of whiney diary-yy so I edited it, as you must do with your thoughts every once in a while. And I am still floored. As I was reading through it last night the fractal snakes came into my vision like they have a tendency to do when I am stressed or freaking out. I was up here writing after passing out for a few hours, went back to sleep at 6 and woke up at 8. My worry allows never for full rest and I have been worried, even with the comfort of knowing my family owned the building we lived in–I have been worried we would be homeless. Not for her kicking us out but because the building is just no good in many ways, so a fire or asbestos evacuation seemed very possible.

So I had texted my sister this am–ending with the formal and cordial, as it appears that is the tactic to which the family has been instructed to handle me.

And I think to what I did do. I guess in many ways I made this happen with my waxings about feeling disconnected and completely ignored from everyone. I was trying to imagine this morning what this family will say about me and Don. Yeah–my birth mother’s daughter, yeah she’s my sister but not really. Yeah she was living in a building my family owned. She did a bunch of work there but her money situation was always kind of irregular so she had a time where she couldn’t pay my mom full rent. We tried to understand since she had no wedding and she seems stressed all the time with money, but it got to a point where we needed that unit.

How did we handle it? Well, we sent her as bill for over $5k for expenses my mother determined were related to their occupation. Talk to them? Uhhhh. No. We didn’t. We decided to treat them like tenants and handled them all the formal notice. Granted we did give them less than a month. But we just wanted them out of the building and out of our lives. So we did it that way and in hindsight–okay it might have been a little rushed. We just wanted them gone.

My sister has been pretty obvious in her disdain for me throughout the entire time I have known her. Several of my guys have remarked how much she just doesn’t like me and I always chalked it up to she didn’t know me. I certainly never have treated any of them with that same disdain obvious on my face they have with me, but I certainly haven’t gone out of my way to reach out to people who literally ignore me. Years ago I asked my aunt and mentioned to my sister their happy hour outings I would love to go to one day and they just–well, clearly they don’t like me. Nothing worse than drinking with people you hate, though doesn’t everyone do that at holidays? haha.

So I am stressed and Don is sleeping. I am seriously trying to finagle a way out of this because I do not have thousands of dollars to move. Don needs 4 teeth done and the dentist was in a rush to get them done this month so he wouldn’t lose out on benefits but…there will be none of that. Just like there won’t be fucking CHRISTMAS AGAIN for the, what, 6th time in a row?

I told my mother in Tennessee yesterday that I was excited to be able to go actually buy gifts because we have been so broke for years or something happens to wreck it all. This something that happened I should have foreseen. Fuck, I ALWAYS know when the hammer is about to come down and it’s been a heavy feeling lately. I have been feeling like I forgot something or something crazy was going to happen –like a stroke? Maybe. But this has the ability to change the direction of my life like nothing else before. No notice moves that I have been involved with…shit is all I have to say. Nothing good comes out of the mad rush to not be homeless. These people don’t understand that as they have collected stuff and property like its going out of style so never have had to contend with or imagine themselves homeless. Me? I get to do it every few years anymore.

Oh and the themes…these are my unposted blog titles over the past week or two. Look at what they say?

on comfort in the midst of chaos November 29, 2017

I’ve been trying to draw the line between my okayness…
on memory and time November 26, 2017

I’ve mentioned this before…but my memory sucks. Not sucks in…
thankfulness and resistance November 24, 2017

Budda budda buh…that is kind of how I have felt…

These were my musings on what I was thinking about disability as it’s about time for another incident given the timeline of events that seem to repeat for me. I will likely have another incident as a result of something here…I am just trying to push the stroke potential away again and let it not leave me unable to see or talk because then? Then I will have to kill myself because clearly…there would be no point. We will die waiting for disability then and by then the government would have trashed the whole program maybe.

I was extremely grateful to know I had that umbrella of family protecting me which is one of the only comforts that I have felt being out here all alone so far from my friends. I didn’t think I would be kicked out…but then again, I never thought I would be staying in a place with no progress this long either. I realize what this is a sign of is she has not been able to talk to her husband about this building and the things that need to be done so she is looking to her tenants to make up for the missed cash. I find it interesting the window was broken out front, which we clearly did not do–and she wants to charge me for the new window cost she had told me the window guy quoted her. Imagine being so desperate for money you are willing to try and get it from your own flesh and blood instead of going to the man with the capital?? I know, it is really bizarre to me, too.

All good…he won and clearly my sister did here as well. She has been upset at the time my mother used to spend here and probably was upset that I was the one pushing this project along. This is the same sister my mother thought could not handle knowing about me, so she waited until she was in college I think? She thought my sister would be devastated to know she was not the oldest. Mark? Mark told them all immediately and talked to me like I was family (he’s the birth father). Now my sister gets to encourage my mother to write the shit letter and look like the hero. She’s the one who can have children so she certainly is the hero in that family–she’s had two after all and nothing is more important than them, including us. I apparently bring money problems and…though I tried to encourage her to talk to her husband and invest her money here–again, I am the enemy. We did the trash, the recycling, the snow shoveling. We hear from the tenants all the time here because it is a small building and people have their issues. I bother her with them 2% of the time. Jesus Christ this is just all the meanest timing and method. Take it from me guys–threatening to sue anyone before attempting to sit down and have a conversation? Not the way to go. At this point the methods they’ve employed have been so aggressive and mean that having anything to say to them again would be the miracle here.

Right now there is a LOT of animosity for this situation in my home. I just pray we can find something better within the next 30-60 days because…homeless is a look I have done but it’s really not a good one. And after seeing the guys out in this neighborhood who are? Forget it. We will just put our shit in storage and get in the car and drive. Clearly there has been no concern for what we will do as the letter gave exactly 0 options. It was a pay and vacate declaration, or, get sued. Literally no other space for any other interpretation. I wonder if this not just burning of a bridge but straight up napalming is giving them the desired results…yeah. I would say so since the goal is to get us away from them.

Really, life. You are fucking MEAN. And I have no idea how I am going to manage more money for rent when we haven’t been able to save with all of these freakin payment plans anyways. It’s another job, apparently. That’s the only way and that’s ok. I can still see and walk so it’s all a good thing there…just in case I get something else I am grateful for taken away–I am grateful I am in the physical condition to work 80 hours a week if I have to–how long one would last doing that. Probably not long but that’s my own concern and apparently nobody else’s.

Hope your weeks are happy, guys. My world got turned upside down and shaken out to show exactly just how little I really have in that drawer…but I hope yours start much lovelier than this….xoxoxox